I held on to bits of happiness filled in moments, instead of living them. I lived a lie with confidence and ownership. I was comfortable with depression replacing my wants, thoughts, needs and goals. Separating myself from good association and lack of faith, in myself. Thinking back, I remember the many examples in front of me. Hearing friends and family share stories of their experiences from hurt, pain and the lessons of life. I didn't care to understand or listen. I didn't heed the warnings, I bragged instead. I judged my friends and family who struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicide because that was never going to be me. I didn't want to hear someone else express their emotional issues because I didn't want to take a look at mine. I never thought suicide and depression would come at the expense of my happiness. Why didn't I just pay attention? I took for granted the people who came before me. I hurt the ones close to me because I was too arrogant to see. Sometimes people are put in your life for you to learn lessons, not necessarily live them. Instead, I consumed the influences of trends to feed my mind temporary fillers: sex, drugs, alcohol, money, instant gratification from social media likes and followers.
Haughtiness made room and allowed a stranger to move in as a roommate. In the meantime, depression took over my mind, body, and soul. I was bound to this new concept of life, as a people pleaser. Enslaved by denial, I had abandoned myself for the approval of others.
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